Originally published at mindcandy. Please leave any comments there.

yes its 3am and i was up since 2.30 due to allergies manifesting (my neck and chest itches like the crotch of a _________ and there is no way for me to stop it omg wtf) and my stomach feels like i stuffed a horse down it: bloated and fat *DOES MOAR PUSHUPS*

anyways, i can pretty much concur that my makeover failed because

1) my hair grew long and now everytime i clay it with the cheaper and much older grey gabsty moving rubber (WHICH SUCKS, BTW) it automatically makes my hear look super saiyan. no i am not kiddings. and i am so not willing to cut my hair just yet, i want it to grow longer so that i can has one of those wapanese haircuts that make me look japanese and foreign even tho i am 100% chinese malaysian. Not to mention that professional haircuts nowadays even for guys costs close to 50 smackeroos and anything below that makes you look like a) a nerd b) a loser c) someone who looks like edward sissorshand paid a visit. I still cannot bring myself to dig up gobs of the more expensive osis+ hair gunk because well, it is more expensive. Each dig into the can feels like digging into my asshole, which is painful, uncomfortable, and worse of all, horrifying.

2) I DONT HAVE THE MONIES OMG WHERE HAS ALL MONIES GONE. The first 4 months of my salary all went to paying outstanding loans and also my iphone. No like i have said a gazillion times before it was because a friend offered to me with a deal i could not refuse. Then, there is the other other loans that basically left me poor like a hobo and nuthing for my makeover thingy. This is kinda seriuse as my work clothes all suck (mainly because they were bought at discounted joints being the jew i am) and since i was new to this lolwut office thing. I plan to get my clothing from g2000 unless anyone has better solutions on how to get good quality shirts at good prices.

3) i posted a thread at the lowyat and i did get some helpful feedbacks on what to do but again a lot of drama in the process. Looks like i need to get a watch, better clothes (that fit and dosent poof up like mary poppins) and something other than a backpack (butbutbut i love backpacks bawww they said it was baaaad) and of course who could forget the oversensitib peepurs who decided to take offense when i thought messenger bags was girly? *HUGE MEGA FACEPALM*. it’s bad enough that metrosexuals are branded to be gays and oversensitive but this is more or less perpetuating that very sterotype…*rolleyes* cmon la the comments about me twiddling my thumbs and humming the smurfs IS offensive but its just that i dont wanna take offense so why should you with my silly opinions instead of trying to change it? bawwwwwwwwwwwwwwww

anyway you can read the whole thing here: http://forum.lowyat.net/topic/1026495

4) lady gaga developed her style with the help of only 1 friend and lots of cocaine and she didint ask around like the idiot i am so why should i like ask people around? the peepurs in the forumz are already butthurt that i found their tastes disagreeable and someone already told me to dress the way i am comfortable with. Hrmmmm but anyway next step is gonna be getting one of those swiss metal bottles to replace my plastic one (plastic one will be from now on reserved for trips that require alot of water, since the nice metal ones only come in nice patterns for the 1l and only red and blue for 1.5l. but rm 30 for that extra 500ml…..functionality over style or style over functionality? I ARE CONFUSED AREGGHHHHH MAI HEAD AH NOES AH WIL POOOST EIN ZEE FLOUMS EIN ARZK DOES GAIS.

planning the makeover and trying hard to make it work is fun because i am actually doing something to redefine the person i am. Its not just about looking good but rather the ability to carry out and bring out certain aspects of you that you want people to see and that you can somewhat embody what you are and want to achieve. Its a more fun way at attracting success as well as the right people since people are suckers for 1st impressions and yadda yadda yadda anyway. And to quote lady gaga on this:

“It’s not about everyone knowing who you are, it’s everybody wanting to know who you are.
“Every time I get on the stage office or anywhere else, I do something different.
“I want people to think, ‘Every time I have this bitch /b/tard nailed down, shehe does something different.’-

CHEW ON THAT BIATCHES *SNORT*

Originally published at mindcandy. Please leave any comments there.

I had a conversation with a female friend lately and we talked about my 1st date (recently i met a girl which i like…blabla okay this story is for another day..not today) and the conversation kinda went like this:

me: so when i told SH (a mutual friend, supposedly love expert but still single/virgin till now) about how on the 1st date she cried, he laughed at me and said that it was a failed date. At least me = 1 him =0 huhu

her: yes. counting dates. that’s really immatured.

me: uh, isnt it okay to like, relax once in a while?

her: show me a malaysian man (yep, she’s malaysian with lots of overseas experience) who’s matured and i will date him.

and the conversation continued. but the main point is about how much maturity do you really expect from people? I know people who are really older than me by almost a decade but they still act like lil boys, still havent grown up in some aspects so whats really the big deal about the whole maturity thing? I’m not really complaining but what i do find strange is that just because that you’re matured it dosent mean you should expect everyone else to be (no, not talking bout her, but just in general) and everything else is about give and take.

I have to agree tho, most malaysian guys are immatured because they’re taught to be themselves in the wrong way. It’s also maybe because of the whole “dont care what people think about you” thing strongly embedded in their minds…until they start working and realize that the attitude will kill them. But in any case, the result is still that most malaysian guys are petty and like to make inappropriate comments. I do have 2 collegues who are really matured but i guess those are exceptions. I do have a collegue who is nearing the big 40 and still acts like a kid and being childish and all. But hey he is enjoying life. Better than being classy and matured and not cracking a single joke and not enjoying life.

Perhaps, everyone has a matured and not so matured side and to expect everyone to show you the matured side 24/7 is selfish isnt it? Men are allowed to have fun sometimes, and not just have fun via golfing or cigar clubs.

I guess too much talk makes me immatured. more growing up, less talk.

Originally published at mindcandy. Please leave any comments there.

for some reason i feel that i have found *MY people* (refers to the scene of one episode of spongebob where he tries to rescue miss puff from jail and she refuses, pointing to the convicts and says “these are MY people”) but really maybe i am just refreshed to have found people to whom i spent my childhood with for a bit…people whose lifestyles i have admired since from day 1: western educated malaysians aka bananas.

so i had this friend that i met recently online, and he turned out to be a really cool western educated guy. So I kinda bugged to meet with him (coz i was getting too little contact with english speakers that even my english was going down the drain and i was basically turning into someone i am not) and he asked me to meet him in his house with his friends, and his xbox360. It was really relaxing as everyone was in a very let-go mood and pulling off puns and jokes. This is very different than my normal environment where the wrong jokes/comments will basically earn you a dagger stare. And also no one in my default environment makes jokes like that and i love jokes like that.

We had a board game and it was one of the really long ones. It was called athlum or something. But it was fun although we didint manage to complete the game due to time constraints and all. But hey it was fun.

I felt healed for some reason and more grounded in reality when i met them. Perhaps its my ideals being met, being one of the “cool” guys, but it dosent matter because it really made me feel good and that i am not chasing after a dream. I am control of my life and i want it to go that direction. And I can do it right now.

Perhaps one day all my insanity will be healed =D

Originally published at mindcandy. Please leave any comments there.

sometimes it is really the small things that you keep taking for granted like free time and discipline that when you let go or allow to be overwritten that you are screwed…it screws up your mind and also everything else.

I used to be able to plan my work and work them out with little or no problems but ever since last year i have been unable to prioritize properly and get things done and it eventually costs money. There are many things that i had to juggle last year and it was not exactly fair or considerate of the people making me work and do more and more when i cannot. Everything was equally important but i lacked the time.

this time it was not exactly different. I was back as a volunteer but was made to do a certain amount of things. I had early informed them that i was unable to do that much but they pressed on anyway and when i really could not handle it they tried to put a blame on me saying that because i failed to honour my word something was closed down. this may work on other people but after last year’s drama my mind has been reconfigured to be stronger and more resistant to such attacks but instability still exists. I trust myself more these days than to let anyone try to override me. Too much has happened and i can no longer live my life because of others. It’s gonna be for others and because of myself. Odd arrangement, not very spiritual but if i dont sustain myself and repair what has been damaged, eventually its gonna affect everyone around me.

so shin, justin, whoever is reading this, please understand that this break is necessary irregardless of whatever promises i made earlier, unless you really want me to get fired from my job due to lack of performance (for your info, this has caused me to be quite disturbed to the point i am losing intrest in life/my job which i do enjoy) and at the end of the day hand out shitty work for you guys, do force, beg and corner me at every turn to continue doing what is it you want me to do. My mind is not strong enough to handle all of these….it will collapse and when that happens i will ask for help and you will dismiss those as poor me stories and that i am seeking sympathy….what is the whole point when the real problem is because of unresolved issues and open wounds? that was what happened last year. I will not allow it to repeat ever again.

its not about just thinking about the forums its the whole picture, really because I do have nothing much to offer even though it looks like i have a lot for the reopening, and you guys would not hear of it. I am sorry but I need some personal space at the end of the day, until at least I can repair the part of the mind that is able to prioritize. It wont take long but it will need space.

if you guys really care and know me as a person and not as a robot, you will understand. else there is nothing much i can say at this point.

Originally published at mindcandy. Please leave any comments there.

yea after all the drama that i have been through for the past xx years since i had this blog, i feel that it is really time for me to make a change and be someone whom i really wanna be instead of just being “myself” which is kinda boring and lame and slow and messy etc etc etc yadda yadda yadda

norlyitsbecauseifellinlovewithagirlatworkandiwantherattention D:

so i have decided to get classy. Firsty, empire23 kindly sold me his extra iPhone (thanks empy!) and although the charm and obsession with it has faded away now but i still like it due to the fact that it has awesum functions and that it doubles up as an ipod touch. Stuck in car for 4 hours? no problem! too embarrassed to bring reading materials while pooping in office? not an issue anymore! iPhone to the rescue!

Secondly, i have decided to walk into one of those girly salons to get my hair done the professional way and in order to look neater. I was kind of lucky that they were having a promotion or else it would have cost me about 50 smackeroos (for a guy, that’s really expensive unless your work requires you to look like a gigolo or some hedonistic faggish japanese boy, or that you just need to look good in order to impress your bosses and customers if not that you prolly need attention - lots of it) so yea i have before and after pics…

this was before they cut my hair

and yea it is a fancy salon in 1 utama. I had to convince myself that i am man enough to go into an establishment filled with men with weird hairdos with lipbalm on them. Allowing them to wash my hair and cut it is kinda scary as well O.O but it wasnt that bad after all. Especially after I saw all the good looking guys doing it i was convinced that this is one of the small sacrifices that i had to make for looking better….

And here’s the end result:

I LOOK LIKE SOME PUDGY GAY UNCLE D: D: D: BAWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW

so I went off and bought some expensive hair wax thingy (coz all the cheap ones dont do shit yo, used loreal and gabsty before and they both sucked) with an unpronounceable brand which costs RM55 before the discount. I bought it at RM38. ouch.

expensive hair wax thingy that smells like car perfume? CHECK.

and so i decided to look more manly with my hairstyle:

But anyways, I feel like I am starting a brand new chapter in my life now and therefore, the need to look like a brand new person. I’m going for regular exercises now to improve my body coz i’m sick of being sickly and out of shape and soon will be working on my wardrobe. I’m really serious about starting a new life as a man who is responsible for himself and everyone else and who can plan ahead and solve whatever problems that come his way rather than someone who runs away from it and all..since inside cant really change overnight why not start with the outside?

at least something is being done rather than letting things be the way they are with no improvements whatsoever

Originally published at mindcandy. Please leave any comments there.

I’ve been meeting a lot of people who babble about positive thinking just because they read one tiny chapter off the Secret, which is basically like telling people that they can play solitare on Windows when you can run Crysis on it because the Secret can be used to achieve bigger things than just to get more money into your big fat bank accounts and/or make that pitiful life of yours more bearable. And no, I’m not against the whole secret thing but I absolutely despise people who think positive by blocking out negatives in their lives, not because it’s unbearable but because they lack the guts to deal with anything.

First of all, if you’re filled with whiny emo friends, or people who happen to be frustrated and complain a lot, it’s not their fault that your life sucks and you’re stressed out and thinking negatively blablabla. It’s your fault for not doing anything about them. If your mood can go from good to bad just by listening to some random people whining, it’s pretty obvious that you have issues and that person happened to have brought it up. So dont blame the person, blame yourself for not facing your issues and causing them to blow up in your face and in the other person’s and all the shit that follows. Positive thinking dosent mean potraying yourself to be a nice person when you’re a wreck inside, just because you cant really bear to lose all the friends and respect that you get, it means taking the shit as it is and work your way out of that, not avoiding people who “whine” or who are negative. Your friends are negative because you attract those kind of people with your hidden issues. You might think they’re hidden but to someone who knows better, they’re obvious and using the positive thinking excuse is just plain dumdeedumdum.

Real positive thinking is the ability to keep things in check even if you’re in the heart of the shit factory. It means you can still find solutions and follow them all the way through and pull yourself out even if it will hurt to get there. It dosent mean sticking your head into the hole and pretend that everything is okay.

I didint really know what positive thinking was until I remember how she did it. She never backed down from her problems until they were settled. If she is faced with a difficult situation, she would stand her ground and think of the best solution to handle it and then put it into action. She would take into account all the variables and possible outcomes. That is why sometimes I’d ask myself, what would she have done in situation x, and then analyze her problem solving methods to emulate them. If she failed, she always did a post mortem and sometimes would write down to remind herself where she went wrong. She would state who did what wrong but never placed the blame on them because she will then find a solution to overcome that.

now, if I can be like that and wrote a book about it, I’d be rich. because most people I meet are just too dumb to figure this out.

Originally published at mindcandy. Please leave any comments there.

It’s tiring to talk to someone about your directions and/or problems mainly because they dont seem to give two hoots about what’s happening with you and that they dont know any better. And sometimes they just try to wrestle their way in when in reality all that they see is the surface. I prefer spending time alone more than spending it with people so that is just that. There was a time where I convinced myself that I wanted friends and that I was driving them away, but at the end I did get friends and I still did not feel any better/happy. I still felt empty inside because no, I’m not selling myself, my values and my goals off for friends. I have a purpose in life and its freaking hard to achieve but guess what? the challenge is on and I’m gonna reach that no matter what it takes.

In a way, this blog as become a SVN (one of those systems like SubVersion where code is actually stored and retrived for compilation for the final program) as changes that i am trying to embody and commit gets posted here. And guess what, 99% of what I say here actually materializes. And 2 weeks ago after some internet drama (yes, “nice” people tend to pull those off JUST BECAUSE its the internet, and that they can actually get away with what they do without taking any responsibility by changing their MSN, blocking people and so on but the fact that they did so showed that they’re not really nice people) and a friend of mine, also online helped me get past the eventual nervous breakdown I had from all the drama. Something about embodying something that I want to be. So I did.

I think its only fair to say that he’s starting to get irritated and shutting me off mentally (and by ignoring my IMs). But hey, at least he didint make a big deal outta everything. he was more matured to keep everything by himself so yea I do give him credit for that although I can feel that due to a certain peinsama in a certain forum the friendship received a significant chasm and I do feel that he actually looks up to that peinsama guy. But here’s the thing: the peinsama’s guy’s niceness can be removed by just a few innocent IMs in MSN when he never said anything about not messaging him. It’s not really logical and I believe he’s the kind of guy that should be shot in the nuts and head because he basically swayed everyone in that particular forum to believe that I should be avoided. So much for niceities.

I believe he knew perfectly what he was doing although he told everyone he just lost it because i was too annoying at MSN. I knew a secret of his: that he is married by accident through a friend of his.He wanted to keep his martial status a secret so that he could have fun flirting with girls. He was afraid that I would eventually tell everyone about his true status as that would “destroy” his street cred, so he moved on me first by throwing crazy accusations against me and later giving the impression that everyone should avoid me. I wonder how long can he keep this secret before everyone finds out and drops him like a hot potato.

probally in a few months. if I were him, instead of opening a dramatic scene so that the secret wont leak, I would have gotten chummy with “me” and then slowly admit the secret. Then dump “me”. Too bad that he isnt as good as me when it comes to planning and execution, else he would have been better than me since he has his way with people…online. Experience shows that people who pathetically depend on online simulation need it as they dont get it offline. So if this guy appears as a nice guy online, but cant take the heat, chances are he is a jerk in person and he depends entirely on the online people to feel better.

but anyways, work is coming up okay although adjusting socially is not exactly easy. There are still alot of social conventions that I am not aware of and am unable to adapt to at the moment. Not easy but guess what? it is challenging myself and it feels okay. Financially, things are very different than expected as expenses keep increasing but I’m coping with it with enough planning….I guess

Originally published at mindcandy. Please leave any comments there.

I’m a fan of flyfm, one of the other radio stations in malaysia that dosent sound like nigga fm (no offense, but too much rap and hiphop makes me edgy and want to pull out a pulp fiction samuel l jackson and binge on KFC), and well it has a more fun and “white” flavour to it. And on top of all that, the DJs were actually funny and their jokes focused on them pranking each other rather than innocent random bystanders, which is why it was really fun to find out that their office is just right next to mine. I wanted to /ninja my way into their studio and say hi to everyone listening to fly fm but the guards stopped me, or rather I was very intimidated by the partyvans outside.

so one day I was getting back from lunch with my collegues and we saw our HOD going out for lunch. A few moments later, a bunch of peeps in the fly.fm tee walked past and one of them was prem (i just happened to read the flyfm blogs for amusement sometimes) and I told my collegues that a fly.fm dj just went past. I really wanted to walk up to him and say ‘oh you’re the flyfm dj! can I be on your show?’ but my bawls shrunk and he looked a bit pissed also so I moved ahead.

I then told my collegues about it and they said “between a DJ and the guy who makes sure that you get paid, who would you wanna approach?”

I just didint know how to react anymore lawl. A kernel panic

Originally published at mindcandy. Please leave any comments there.

I realized I rarely blogged for the past year, judging from the lack of posts from my LJ page. I scrolled down and I saw last year’s new year post.

It kinda made me see how I kinda ignored myself and the things which I should really be facing all this while and rather distracting myself with other people’s opinions about my life and how stopping that stupid cycle helped made my life so much better. The problem wasn’t with them, it was with me. As long as I dont allow anyone to brainwash me and that I listen to my gut feeling, things will be the way they are meant to be.

Sometimes I feel if I made the right or wrong decision, what really matters? At the end it will all be wasted.

Everytime when I feel that I am about to fall apart, i dont but instead I get stronger when I recover. Wiser and slowly resembling who I want to be more and more.

perhaps it is time I take a few steps back to examine myself.

Originally published at mindcandy. Please leave any comments there.

Yeps. It’s been a very long time since I have updated my blog, but I finally have at long last.
I haven’t updated this blog for a very long time because my parents cut off my internet connection, due to them being brainwashed almost completely by some irresponsible people who claimed that it was done for my own good but the obvious is otherwise. You’ll be surprised how much trouble and permanent (and semi permanent) damages that misinformation and backstabbing can do. Anyways, that’s really another story that will never be talked again ever because there isn’t a need to. Unless, of course if it can un-emo an emo kid or stop someone from being suicidal, then maybe I’ll bring it up.

And while I’m leading a normal life after waking up to the fact that I was spiritual not because I really am, but because I’m really a loser at everything else so I turned to spirituality, everything’s going on as planned. As planned, meaning, things going along fine even if it means going through painful decisions (pulling myself out of a loving, caring community because in reality I had nothing to give back, so it would be like a leech and the logical decision was to pull out before more damage was done or getting my own bris. Google that one) and it turns out to be not so painful after all. Ta duh! The secret to making painful decisions: just bite the stick and go through with it. It only hurts during the surgery and during the recovery. Be a man and take the hit.

It’s also in times of crisis like these that I know what real friendship is: thanks to empire23 who lent me his place for a day or two so that I could really, really shake up my parents to the fact that I shouldn’t be where I should not be. It’s also thanks to him helping me set my mindset straight on achieving something that I am able to stand up and be what I want to be. It’s rare to get a friend like that…at least in my world. People that give advice are all over the place…but does the advice really help? And only one out of my circle of friends was kind enough to lend his place for the moment without any agenda. I never thought I had to stoop to such a level from a friend whom I have been taking from for like, forever but I will try my best to help when he’s in need (which isn’t likely because he’s able to handle his own problems….waaaay better than me) and yea, it dosent make me feel happy at all although the 2 weeks with him did make me happier.

And I’m sorry because I do have a problem trying to follow through an advice. It’s my fault, really because I lack the courage and self confidence to stick with something and carry it out all along until now. And I’m sad that due to this weakness someone whom I always thought of as a big sister kinda burned the bridges off with me, but it’s okay. What was I expecting anyway? I was getting to everyone’s boiling point. It’s more of my fault for seeing her as someone that would help me work through my problems and taking that for granted rather than waking up to the fact that she’s human too and there’s so much she can take before she blows up. There are many things that I didn’t understand before (and I probably never will unless I get a huge book that explains about human social behaviors and attitudes…or just socialize out more: both are also highly unlikely but I’m gonna change that with all I’ve got) which I have learnt bit by bit. It’s not really about getting sympathy because it’s not what I need: it’s information and the correct mindset that I need to learn/find.

Anyway, I’ve reapplied a separate phone line for my internuts, allowing me to surf the net freely while not under the mercy of my paranoid, brain-washed parents. It’s gonna take a while to set things straight with them but it’s possible. They’re still my parents but I just need to get all the mistrust which all the misinformation by certain parties have done. So that’s no problem, but really for those who know me and follow this blog, I’m saying this just to let you know that I’m allright.

I’m starting work soon and I’m both nervous and excited about it. Nervous because I don’t really know what to expect and how to advance my own career without drawing the attention of backstabbers and/or making enemies, and excited because it’s a completely new environment for me which I can socialize more and really see what life has to offer. I feel confident that I am finally able to make decisions that will help me advance in working life to get enough moolah for a proper tertiary education somewhere in England/Australia/Japan/US and experience life as a Uni student. Then gain enough skills to be of benefit to that community and to all the friends that has helped me along.

There was this episode of Oprah about cleaning up your life, and the life coach guy who wrote some self help book with a random title taught a family who lost a son about throwing things that bring negative memories in the house, and keep only those that brought positive ones. They threw a lot of stuff that reminded them of sad things and kept only those that made them happy and it did made a difference for them, so I thought, what the heck, there’s so much sad memories in my room that I should simply just trash out, and I applied this while I was cleaning up my room, throwing away all the old trash which reminded me of unhappy things and boy did it made a huge difference. Old school photos and photos of me in the camps made me feel happy again as I thought of the times where I had little friends but was able to enjoy their company. It was no longer of those painful times. Nor is it about wanting those feelings to stay on and not moving on till I got them. It was about going out to making more of those for myself and everyone else around me.

And so, it’s really my new year’s resolution: to work towards my ultimate goals in a more realistic, less idealistic manner, step by step and letting my guard up dosent mean not trusting people, it simply means being more careful about what I say and do around people. All these came from that community which I am eternally grateful for despite everything that happened but my place just isn’t there for the moment.
I’ve been accused of someone who’s greedy for food and money (both which isn’t true, because as much as I have a neverending wishlist, I don’t really place too much importance on money, and I’ve never gone for miles just for delicious food or being picky about it, or pigging myself out every week for the record, so how can I be greedy for food?) and even really funny stuff like I am afraid of pain (yea right, I don’t really fear needles or death and I went through bris…hello?) and proving these people wrong to myself will really be satisfying. The only thing I fear is being stuck in a place with no progress and moving nowhere. As long as I am not stuck without options, I know I can succeed.

Originally published at mindcandy. Please leave any comments there.

I’ve decided to love writing.

Gonna need funds for my material library and a new phone.

But that’s really a new turn for me from computing. Am seriously considering a career as a software reviewer of sorts and get lots of moolah and hardware while I am at it. 2 birds with one stone ^_^

the reason why is simple: I get to talk about things the way I want and describe them the way I want without having to compromise the details which I hate. Also it’s a good way of meeting people around.

but I guess the details will come about when I actually get a job…then I’ll flesh out the details. Its not about getting a simple job — its about getting one that has more benefits and that outpays my current freelancing jobs. no point getting a job that pays less than my current one.

but all the same, it is really time to buck up (play less games, boy!)

Originally published at mindcandy. Please leave any comments there.

yea..back at the place after lots of drama, which I will share later but not now. But for now…something to soothe that wound.

for me it should be 19 year old self…it was one of the hardest times I could remember. as I grew up I got support from people and things eased out a bit. At least now I have a direction. Back then, I did not have. friends left me, things went very wrong and crap kept hitting the ceiling (go read the archives lol) but hey everything’s allright now so would be great to write a letter to him :p

I tried not to cry but I did anyway, its the melody…so filled with hope and so reassuring. Kinda like the beatles’ let it be.

Angela Aki - Tegami

English Translation:
Dear you,
Who’s reading this letter
Where are you and what are you doing now?

For me who’s 15 years old
There are seeds of worries I can’t tell anyone

If it’s a letter addressed to my future self,
Surely I can confide truly to myself

Now, it seems that I’m about to be defeated and cry
For someone who’s seemingly about to disappear
Whose words should I believe in?
This one-and-only heart has been broken so many times
In the midst of this pain, I live the present

Dear you,
Thank you
I have something to tell the 15-year-old you

If you continue asking what and where you should be going
You’ll be able to see the answer

The rough seas of youth may be tough
But row your boat of dreams on
Towards the shores of tomorrow

Now, please don’t be defeated and please don’t shed a tear
During these times when you’re seemingly about to disappear
Just believe in your own voice
For me as an adult, there are sleepless nights when I’m hurt
But I’m living the bittersweet present

There’s meaning to everything in life
So build your dreams without fear
Keep on believing

Seems like I’m about to be defeated and cry
For someone who’s seemingly about to disappear
Whose words should I believe in?

Please don’t be defeated and please don’t shed a tear
During these times when you’re seemingly about to disappear
Just believe in your own voice

No matter era we’re in
There’s no running away from sorrow
So show your smile, and go on living the present
Go on living the present

Dear you,
Who’s reading this letter
I wish you happiness
**************************************** *******
Romaji Lyrics

Haikei kono tegami yondeiru anata wa
Doko de nani wo shiteiru no darou

Juugo no boku ni wa dare ni mo hanasenai
Nayami no kanae ga aru no desu

Mirai no jibun ni atete kaku tegami nara
Kitto sunao ni uchiake rareru darou

Ima makesou de nakisou de
Kieteshimaisou na boku wa
Dare no kotoba wo
Shinji arukeba ii no?
Hitotsu shika nai kono mune ga nando mo barabara ni warete
Kurushii naka de ima wo ikiteiru
Ima wo ikiteiru

Haikei arigatou juugo no anata ni
Tsutaetai koto ga aru no desu
Jibun to wa nani de doko e mukau beki ka
Toitsu dzukereeba mietekuru

Areta seishun no umi wa kibishii keredo
Asu no kishibe e to yume no fune yo susume

Ima makenai de nakanai de
Kieteshimaisou na toki wa
Jibun no koe wo shinjiaru keba ii no?
Otona no boku mo kizutsuite
Nemurenai yoru wa aru kedo
Nigakute amai ima ikiteiru

Jinsei no subete ni imi ga aru kara
Osorezu ni anata no yume wo sodatete
La la la, la la la
Keep on believing
La la la, la la la,
Keep on believing, keep on believing, keep on believing

Makesou de nakisou de
Kieteshimaisou boku wa
Dare no kotoba wo shinji arukeba ii no?
Aa Makenaii de nakanai de
Kieteshimaisou na toki wa
Jibun no koe wo shinjiarukeba ii no
Itsu no jidai mo kanashimi mo
Sakete wa torenai keredo
Egao wo misete ima wo ikite yukou
Ima wo ikite yukou

Haikei kono tegami yondeiru anata ga
Shiawase na koto wo negaimasu

Originally published at mindcandy. Please leave any comments there.

Details in Fabric - Jason Mraz with James Morrison

Calm down
Deep breaths
And get yourself dressed instead
Of running around
And pulling on your threads and
Breaking yourself up

If it’s a broken part, replace it
If it’s a broken arm then brace it
If it’s a broken heart then face it

And hold your own
Know your name
And go your own way
Hold your own
Know your name
And go your own way

And everything will be fine

Hang on
Help is on the way
Stay strong
I’m doing everything

Hold your own
Know your name
And go your own way
Hold your own
Know your name
And go your own way

And everything
Everything will be fine
Everything

Are the details in the fabric
Are the things that make you panic
Are your thoughts results of static cling?

Are the things that make you blow
Hell, no reason, go on and scream
If you’re shocked it’s just the fault
Of faulty manufacturing.

Everything will be fine
Everything in no time at all
Everything

Hold your own
Know your name
Go your own way

Hold your own (behind the following verses)
Know your name
Go your own way.

Are the details in the fabric
Are the things that make you panic
Are your thoughts results of static cling?

Are the details in the fabric
Are the things that make you panic
Is it Mother Nature’s sewing machine?
Are the things that make you blow
Hell no reason go on and scream
If you’re shocked it’s just the fault
Of faulty manufacturing

Everything will be fine
Everything in no time at all
Hearts will hold

————————–

Nuff said. I need to heal.

Originally published at mindcandy. Please leave any comments there.

I’ve finally done it.

Bridges burned with the community of people that would support and cushion me (well, they stopped doing that to me since I was fired from august) so now is the beginning of a new chapter in my life.

They told me that I will not suceed if I leave them, because if I failed with them, I will definetely not suceed on my own. But even if I remained, there wasnt much oppotunities to begin with. The oppotunities were there but I lacked the strength to make use of it. If I could, I would not have ended up where I am now. I’m not going to take any more of their resources for something that will not get up.

I knew if I stayed, I wont exactly progress and I’ll get kicked out again. No thanks, it’s happened once, I havent even recovered from that episode yet. I’d rather leave before I get kicked out.

My mind has been severely weakened by augusts’ episode. It cant hold on nor recover properly. The spiritual bond between me and my spiritual teacher has never been strong or clean. It dosent seem to be possible to clean my bond with him…it feels as though I’m just trying to impress him in a very wrong way by acting in ways that made me hate myself more. I have been told that I am not sincere…but no one can help me on that one and if I remain I still wont be sincere.

The only way for me to learn sincerity is to be out on my own.

Time to act the way I really am…so that I can help myself become someone who doesnt hurt others.

Originally published at mindcandy. Please leave any comments there.

for those who know me: it’s the nickname of my all time favorite japanese indie band.

those who dont know me well, but think they do because I meet them that much, will fail at this question.

seeya

Originally published at mindcandy. Please leave any comments there.

Yes. It’s been 4 months now and things have still not been getting any better, although inside of me is getting cleaner and cleaner every day as all the crap I have been hiding and stuffing up inside gets purged like Linda Blair’s +3 projectile vomit in Exorcist.

Yep. I’m alone in this battle. I thought people could help me fight this battle for me but nopes. They cant.

Although it is hard to face what is coming up ahead, but thinking positive in the right way (not in Selma’s way (Dancer in the Dark), that’s just escapism and you have no idea how many people do that…) that I can do it and get through it and I should start thinking about what is it like when I have already made it.

Somehow or rather, I am disapointed with myself in many ways because I turn out to be this completely different person who was reallly different than who I thought I was when things go wrong or go different.

Sadly, that is when it counts. Not normally. I’ve dissapointed someone deeply again. He’s very hurt by my dissapointing.

Only way to go is to change myself deep inside. Something that is happening slowly but surely at this moment.

Originally published at mindcandy. Please leave any comments there.

yea..this word has been repeated so many times that people dont even know what it means.

It is when you accept the mistakes and the reprecussions that you reap from them and find a way to solve or reconcile them.

Frankly I need help but I cant get it which is why i have to depend on myself to do what I cant do.

ever since the layer of illusion shattered, I have been getting consistent headaches and panic attacks which caused me to shut down from everyone. Feels like a blockage in my brain because at those moments, my head acutally feels cold. Might need to ask a doctor what the hell is going on if I’m to progress.

against my will.

who’s gonna help? or even understand? I’ve been testing their patience too long to expect any form of help.

obviously, if I can look through this, this wil be ok. But that is the hardest part to do at the moment.

decision: recreate another illusion that caters to these people, or be totally honest and start myself from scratch.

I pick the latter, but it’ll take longer and these people cant wait any longer.

leave? y/n

n

honesty is coming back but still needs help.

Originally published at mindcandy. Please leave any comments there.

Someone just pointed out who I really am, based on what I do to people consistently, again and again.

I’m someone who hates the rules, who hates confinement to the core. I just want to be a wanderer. But then again, I know that will never, ever bring me anywhere.

It’s like knowing something and not being able to do anything about it because you arent strong enough. I feel like a zombie…a soul trapped in a body not his. Sounds emo and all but its pretty frustrating. I’m not connected inside. I’m not. And I cant seem to.

I need help to connect inside. Things evade me.

I always felt that, if I just did what I want to…if I dont freaking follow all the rules, I’ll be free. If I follow the my intuition, I’ll be at the right place.

I’m at the right place now, but I realize I cant depend on my intuition now. I have to start following rules and caring about people.

I’m still learning and I still cant do it in reality. I cant feel inside. It’s all cold and broken although I know..or I want to believe that it is warm and working.

My mind just stopped working for the day and I dididnt know what caused it. I just realized it was because an illusion was shattered.

Who will help me? who would understand…that I have been trying my best but the rest of me is just not following. I’ve been lying to myself and numbing myself too long. It’s just layer upon layer upon layer of lies and illusions.

And they’ll keep coming. as long as they’re around, i cannot be a normal person.

help.

although

no
one
will

or
can

but myself.

I feel like shouting this out because no one around wants to hear anything I say because my actions do not match my words. But I want to say it. And Actualize what I say.

Just for once.

I’m going to prove to everyone that I’m otherwise. I can only do this if i get past this.

Originally published at mindcandy. Please leave any comments there.

Yeps. decided to blog again after having a writer’s block. Have not been blogging because I’ve been writing to the point that I’m starting to mash words up. It’s not that much of a great deal except when writer’s block prevents me from expressing my ideas into sentences. Thats when I know I need to take a break.

Peeps who have known me for a long time know that I always lie and hide and deny and I seem to care only for me. Problem is back then I have no idea that this was going on. Now I do and I have stopped to some extent.

Telling the truth is hard. But not telling it gets harder day by day.

—————————————————————————————————–

It’s been years since i even thought about you because all I did was numb that part of me that did…which is my whole being. I’m bringing it back up again together with all we had. I hope you dont mind.